To live with desire, to live in the gap between what is, what could be or what we want to be is what it means to be human. All the best and worst things we do as humans happen when we are trying to close the gap.
I'm still living in the wanting, and as the days pass I'm learning how to be with it in a way I never have before.
It's very uncomfortable to live with burning desire. In an effort to ease the longing, I get all my engines running. I drum up distractions to avoid the burning.
But last night I decided to try something different. I decided to sit in the middle of the burning, with curiosity as my companion. Together we asked, What is the nature of this desire? What does it feel like? How does it move? Is it static within me? How far do its jagged edges spread?
I felt its prickly heat rise. It's just desire, it's just pain, I told myself.
And then I fell asleep, into the most peaceful, renewing, nourishing sleep I've had in weeks.
I woke this morning and I wondered if the fire of desire had been extinguished. I waited in the quiet and felt the flickering flames begin to rise up again in my chest. Ah, it's still there.
But I laid still while it rose. I decided that today I will sit in the middle of the wanting. I won't redirect my energy away from it. I will direct my energy, my present-ness right toward the center of all that desire.
Will this decision make the burning more intense, more potent? Momentarily, yes. But in my experience the energy of the desire begins to dissipate, metabolized by my own sense of awareness, swallowed up in the vastness of my being instead of (what I've always feared) me being swallowed up by it.
You don't have to tiptoe through the woods of your inner terrain, afraid of being consumed by the darkness, for though the woods are vast and expansive there exists infinitely more vastness within you. You are a living, breathing, gorgeous being. So be. Be in the desire. Be in the wanting. Be in the longing. And when the desire and wanting go away, be in the space between. Feel the feelings. Sit with them. You need not be afraid. (This is what I whispered to myself in the quiet of the morning.)
Today I will not only embrace my desire. Come here, old friend, you burning, you. I will let desire, my very own desire, embrace me. I will let myself be held by it for as long as we need to rest in each other's arms. I am big enough to stand beside it without being consumed.