Wednesday, February 6, 2013


In honor of the 11th anniversary of Josiah's death (one day late).

"... it is possible a great energy
is moving near me.   
I have faith in nights."
--Rainer Maria Rilke, A Book for the Hours of Prayer

I am the turning page.

I am smack dab in the middle of chapters, pressed together between a strong forefinger and thumb, suspended in the air, waiting for what's next. I want this pause to be over, to be able to move on to the next part of the story, but it just isn't time yet.

"I am the rest between two notes...
And the song goes on, beautiful."

My heart is like a trick knee that senses when there's a storm coming. The aches have been coming on extra strong this year, and I want to believe that the rain that's ready to pour will be the cleansing, not the flooding, kind.

But the truth is I have been practiced at preparing myself for the worst, and it's not lost on me why. 

"We have been taught that death is always followed by more death. It is simply not so, death is always in the process of incubating life, even when one's existence has been cut down to the bones."
--Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves

So I am bracing myself for what's ahead, knowing it may come soft and quiet, like a gently turning page or a drizzling rain.

The clouds have gathered and I don't know what's coming. So I wait. I'm still waiting.


  1. Big, big hugs. Those quotes are so appropriate. I feel the same way -- that I am ever-anticipating the next catastrophe. I remember that a year and some ago we were talking in our small group about how life, in general, was looking really good for those of us who'd had a rough time, and we were waiting for the other shoe to drop. I thought to myself, that is ridiculous -- and the next day we found out Eve was dead. Now I feel weird about feeling this way. This path sucks. Remembering Josiah with you, always. <3

    1. I always love having you in this space with me, Beth. But today it is even more precious because of our common experience. Thank you for taking the time to remember Josiah with me.

  2. Big hugs from me, too, Angela... with prayers that it's a cleansing rain... with love...

    1. I can always count on you to pray for the rain, Susan. Thank you, friend.

  3. Oh, wake up Susie Put your shoes on And walk with me into this light, ooh, Finally this morning I'm feeling whole again It was a hell of a night

    Just to be with you by my side Just to have you near in my sight Just to walk a while in this light Just to know that life goes on

    Wake up Susie Put your shoes on Walk with me into this light

    Another night has gone Life goes on Another dawn is breaking Turn and face the sun One by one the world outside is waking

    Morning light has driven away All the shadows that hide your way And night has given away To the promise of another day

    Another day Another chance that we may Finally find our way Another day

    Old sundown's begun To melt all our fears away Another day Another day

    Oh, wake up Susie Put your shoes on Walk with me into this light.

    1. I'm putting my shoes on... the sun is on the horizon.

  4. What do I know about the forecast? I know there is crazy love in it. Pure love stands in the rain with you...whether it is is the softest dizzle, the wettest downpour, or even the loveliest floating snowflakes (I bet your SoCal self didn't imagine your storm looking like that, did it?). LOVE is in the the soaking...the washing. May peace blanket your anticipation...only a greater unveiling of love comes.

    I miss you this week. I miss Josiah...his sweet face...his peace...AND, I love you deeply...


    1. I'm wrapping myself in these words right now. If love is what's ahead, then let it pour.

  5. i feel you here, so strong. i believe that some people are meant to bridge the gap between moments, movements... people that can hollow out to bend to the swell of the moments, who are intuned to the coming release. you my dear are a beautiful, shining example of embracing the ache of these spaces. oh, what is to come for you. i shiver with excitement, i know it will be so so good.

    1. I'm always in awe of the way you understand things and how even the simplest things roll of your tongue like poetry. Thank you, friend.

  6. I tagged you here, because you are awesome and you inspire me: :) Hope you are doing well... <3

  7. I miss your sweet voice, Angela!