Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Today

Today was a good day. (It’s good for my soul to recap my day by starting with that statement.) And I am thankful.

I took Zach swimming at a neighbor’s pool. On the drive home I was very aware of something going on inside of me. I wasn’t upset, anxious or afraid. But I felt out of my element.

I realized that part of me not used to living with so much peace.

I have been living for many of the past nine years in a state of crisis. Except for short seasons of respite, at least one area of my life has been in a state of major disarray.

So days like today--when the rhythm is slow and melodic, even lullaby-ish--are not what I am used to.

In the past, days like today--instead of refreshing my soul and restoring hope--would cause me to go into a tailspin. I would start to feel irritable, angry or off-balance and I wouldn’t know why.

I would do some soul-searching and realize that I was getting trapped in the vortex of waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it would usually take me days to catch this cycle. And I didn’t really know how to resolve it.

I felt like I was living in a soup of survival and dread all mixed together… a pot ready to boil over… with anxiety steaming out the sides and making the lid quiver and shake.

So instead of fully enjoying the good moments when they came, I was straddled between realities. I had one foot in the present, semi-appreciative for the good things I was experiencing, and one foot in the past--as a way to remind myself that tragedy can strike any moment and to prepare my future self for that reality.

Not all the time. Not all the time. But a lot of the time.

Today was different.

As soon as I heard that old melody--the one that sounds like the notes on the Jaws movie that tell us the predator is coming--that predicts “something bad is going to happen,” I addressed it.

I reassured my heart, my brain, myself that it’s okay. It’s okay to have a good day. It doesn’t mean the world is going to fall apart tomorrow.

I acknowledged that Yes, things have happened in my life that shattered my illusions of what I thought reality was… events that were unexpected and tragic and seemed to go on and on.

And yet… Today. Today was not one of those earth-shattering days. And I don’t suspect tomorrow will be either.

But that’s not the point. Today is the point.

I didn’t miss Today because I was thinking about yesterday’s tragedy and using that as a forecast of today’s misery or tomorrow’s what ifs. I enjoyed today.

That’s all I can do. I can enjoy today. And tomorrow, I’ll enjoy tomorrow. But it’s still today.

And today is a good day.

P.S. In total honesty, I was reticent to post this. My first thought was, “Oh no, now what’s going to happen tomorrow?” So I had to reassure my heart, my brain, myself all over again. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.

5 comments:

  1. I'm proud of you Love! You are growing and maturing so much. Thanks for taking the risk to share your heart in celebrating the joyful moments in the face of fear and axiety about doing so. I love you.

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  2. love this post Angela! Thanks for sharing your heart .....and I really like the picture on the top of your blog - adorable!
    love you - Aunt Tina

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  3. Valerie RichardsonJune 9, 2011 at 3:53 PM

    Sounds like you have found a treasure Angela. Courage! I admire you.

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  4. YES!! I love to hear this and hope that you can come back to this point again. This life can sometimes feel like you are hanging on by a thread. God is there. He is real amidst the good and bad times as you so clearly know. I love you so very much and pray that this type of day is going to be here shortly.

    For God is able to do more than we can ever ask or imagine in Christ. . .

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  5. I needed to read this today. I think I probably need to read it everyday. ;)

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