Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Today

Today was a good day. (It’s good for my soul to recap my day by starting with that statement.) And I am thankful.

I took Zach swimming at a neighbor’s pool. On the drive home I was very aware of something going on inside of me. I wasn’t upset, anxious or afraid. But I felt out of my element.

I realized that part of me not used to living with so much peace.

I have been living for many of the past nine years in a state of crisis. Except for short seasons of respite, at least one area of my life has been in a state of major disarray.

So days like today--when the rhythm is slow and melodic, even lullaby-ish--are not what I am used to.

In the past, days like today--instead of refreshing my soul and restoring hope--would cause me to go into a tailspin. I would start to feel irritable, angry or off-balance and I wouldn’t know why.

I would do some soul-searching and realize that I was getting trapped in the vortex of waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it would usually take me days to catch this cycle. And I didn’t really know how to resolve it.

I felt like I was living in a soup of survival and dread all mixed together… a pot ready to boil over… with anxiety steaming out the sides and making the lid quiver and shake.

So instead of fully enjoying the good moments when they came, I was straddled between realities. I had one foot in the present, semi-appreciative for the good things I was experiencing, and one foot in the past--as a way to remind myself that tragedy can strike any moment and to prepare my future self for that reality.

Not all the time. Not all the time. But a lot of the time.

Today was different.

As soon as I heard that old melody--the one that sounds like the notes on the Jaws movie that tell us the predator is coming--that predicts “something bad is going to happen,” I addressed it.

I reassured my heart, my brain, myself that it’s okay. It’s okay to have a good day. It doesn’t mean the world is going to fall apart tomorrow.

I acknowledged that Yes, things have happened in my life that shattered my illusions of what I thought reality was… events that were unexpected and tragic and seemed to go on and on.

And yet… Today. Today was not one of those earth-shattering days. And I don’t suspect tomorrow will be either.

But that’s not the point. Today is the point.

I didn’t miss Today because I was thinking about yesterday’s tragedy and using that as a forecast of today’s misery or tomorrow’s what ifs. I enjoyed today.

That’s all I can do. I can enjoy today. And tomorrow, I’ll enjoy tomorrow. But it’s still today.

And today is a good day.

P.S. In total honesty, I was reticent to post this. My first thought was, “Oh no, now what’s going to happen tomorrow?” So I had to reassure my heart, my brain, myself all over again. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.